Heart Advice

Why I Gave Up On Waiting

''When I was 14, I read piles of religious books about waiting. In youthful awe, I devoured chapters on the virtues of waiting for your first kiss, waiting until you’re mature enough to get your ears pierced, waiting until your wedding night to have sex for the first time. Waiting, I determined, would let me create perfect moments. Memories untarnished by anything risky, or awkward, or wanting.

And so, I waited.

At 21, I married the first boy I’d ever kissed. In a perfect dress, in the perfect way. And then I kept on waiting.

I waited to take my writing work seriously with the hope that one day I’d have a perfect team of admiring editors to support me. I waited to travel with the hope that one day I’d magically transcend my sweaty, clammy fear of flying and float through terminals like a poised Grace Kelly. I waited to try yoga with the hope that one day I’d show up to my first class with toned arms and a flat stomach. I waited to speak up about the things that mattered to me, with the hope that one day I’d have a posse of grounded-but-totally-visionary allies to have my back.

When I was 29, I got a call that changed everything. My dad had died suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack...''

by Jamie Littlefield